Oscars 2014: the real winners


I was in bed by 8pm last night with something flu-like and feeling extremely sorry for myself, so I’ve had to catch up with all last night’s 86th Academy Awards fun this morning. And wow, what a night.

But we all know that the real winners aren’t always the ones who take home golden statuettes, and that’s why I’ve created a few awards of my own to recognise outstanding achievements in such categories as non-snoozeworthy men’s red carpet dressing, maternity glamour and being Jennifer Lawrence.

Best Actor
This award is for the leading man who wore the best not-black black tie attire. The nominees are:

L-R: Matthew McConaughey in Dolce & Gabbana; Jared Leto in Saint Laurent; Kevin Spacey in Burberry; and Chris Hemsworth in David August

And the winner is: Is there a cooler man on the planet right now than Jared Leto? I think not.

Best Supported Actress
This award recognises feats of corsetry so robust that they could withstand a hurricane. The nominees are:

L-R: Amy Adams in Gucci Premiere; Lady Gaga in Atelier Versace; Kristin Chenoweth in Roberto Cavalli; and Kristen Bell in Roberto Cavalli

And the winner is: This was a tough category but it really came down to two competitors as Lady Gaga looks frankly uncomfortable and Kristen Bell’s heart just isn’t in it. Whilst I love how Kristin Chenoweth has matched her bling-tastic Cavalli gown with a megawatt grin, it has to be Amy Adams‘ ‘I just woke up like this’ attitude that wins the day.

Best Hair
This award is really for the hair stylists – there was some amazingly creative hair on display last night and they deserve a round of applause. The nominees are:

L-R: Jared Leto, for services to ombré; Jennifer Lawrence for short hair supremacy; Liza Minelli, for best use of colour; and Margot Robbie for best surprise hair-makeover

And the winner is: This was SO HARD. But ultimately the award must go to Jared Leto because it’s my blog and I can make it so Jared Leto wins everything if I want to.

Best Bump
Because doing awards season whilst heavily pregnant should have its own award category, yo. The nominees are:

L-R: Kerry Washington in Jason Wu; Olivia Wilde in Valentino; and Elsa Pataky in Elie Saab

And the winner is: I loved the understated mod styling of Olivia Wilde’s gown, but wasn’t keen on Elsa Pataky’s take on red carpet maternity dressing. In the end it was always going to be Kerry Washington, spring-like in mauve Jason Wu, that won me over.

Best Midnight Blue
Midnight blue was the surprise red carpet hit at last night’s ceremony. The nominees are:

L-R: Amy Adams in Gucci Premiere; Alfre Woodward in Escada; Sandra Bullock in Alexander McQueen; and Sari Mercer in Suzanne Neville

And the winner is: There’s so much to love about each and every one of these gowns that picking a winner was almost impossible. The sleek simplicity of Amy Adams’ Gucci Premiere was a total contrast to Alfre Woodward’s decadently embellished Escada, and Chiwetel Ejiofor’s girlfriend Sari Mercer very nearly stole the show in her liquid satin sheath by London designer Suzanne Neville. But for me, Sandra Bullock did it in true Hollywood bombshell style in her insanely beautiful Alexander McQueen.
Special mention: Kevin Spacey wins it for the boys in his Burberry tux.

Best Lupita
It really was Lupita Nyong’o’s night at the Oscars. In her Nairobi blue Prada gown she was just breathtaking and her emotional acceptance speech had us all weeping along with her. The nominees are:

L-R: Red carpet Lupita; triumphant Lupita; and serene Lupita

And the winner is: Lupita Nyong’o wasn’t afraid to let everyone know exactly how happy she was. Go Lupita!

Best Ellen
Will anyone else ever be able to host the Oscars again? No, but seriously? The nominees are:

L-R: Oscars trailer Ellen; pizza delivery Ellen; Good Witch Ellen; and Pharrell’s hat Ellen

And the winner is: Ellen DeGeneres. Ellen wins the Oscars forever and ever and ever, the end.

Best Actress in a Comedy Role
I would have made a ‘Best Jennifer Lawrence’ category but we’d have been here for days. The nominees are:

L-R: Jennifer Lawrence and Lupita Nyong’o

And the winner is: If someone’s going to bring the fun to the Oscars it’s going to be Jennifer Lawrence, right?

Best Stunts
I don’t like to laugh at other girls’ misfortune, but when they laugh it off too, I think it’s probably ok. The nominee is (of course there could only be one):

Jennifer Lawrence, for her actress/cone interface error

And the winner is: Oh J-Law, we love you so much. Never, ever stop being you.

Best Picture
For the best celebrity snap. Much like best stunts, there was really only one contender here. The nominees are:

Jared Leto, Jennifer Lawrence, Channing Tatum, Meryl Streep, Julia Roberts, Ellen DeGeneres, Kevin Spacey, Bradley Cooper, Brad Pitt, Lupita Nyong’o, Peter Nyong’o and Angelina Jolie for this epic selfie

And the winner is: Everyone. We’re all going to have to up our selfie game now.